YES, I AM STILL HERE looking out my window on Main Street, and I decided to update myself on a topic I wrote about in this very column three years ago. It’s appropriate as we approach St. Valentine’s Day.
I am talking about the very desirable and socially important Personal Flamethrower.
I was sorta stunned that anyone would see the need for such a device, but we were in the middle of another of our country’s struggles with firearms at the time.
The original vendor said to hurry up and order yours because they would only make two or three thousand of these very important self-defense devices.
But speedy ordering didn’t actually matter because several other manufacturerererers quickly jumped into the Personal Flamethrower market competition and they were all touting the virtues of their own fine devices. New look, new features, reduced prices.
Several of them, however, actually cautioned that it shouldn’t be used on other humans. Wink, wink.
On the other hand, if I were a housebreaker and I came upon an irate homeowner who was determined to defend his/her life and property by use of his/her Personal Flamethrower, I would definitely consider backing out of the house swiftly.
Some of the manufacturers cleverly propose other uses for the Personal Flamethrower, none of which include toasting a kindergarten class. Calling your attention to other uses is a diversionary ploy, but some are quite appealing.
You could use your Personal Flamethrower for outdoor grilling. Melting a snowbank or clearing the windshield of your neighbor‘s snowmobile. There are agricultural uses, insect deterrent, landscaping, oven-cleaning, paint removal ….. well, the list goes on and on as you can see. How, oh how, did we ever get along before the advent of Personal Flamethrowers?
You might be tempted — but you don’t have to — use your new Hot Shot #9 Personal Flamethrower on someone you don’t like. Or singe a perfect stranger who was foolish enough to wear a Dallas Cowboys jersey to the grocery store.
I have heard via social media that the Arkansas Legislature is considering loosening restrictions on Personal Flamethrowers, and might even make it easier to get ‘open carry’ of your Personal Flamethrower at public venues including the Arkansas Capitol.
Flamethrowers in adult beverage emporiums. I can’t imagine any problems there.
Or, how’d you like to bump into a slightly tipsy Uncle Parry Normal going the wrong way in a narrow Walmart aisle? And what if he was toting the Personal Flamethrower he got from a buddy who had burgled it from a pawnshop? And what if he’s just hoping to meet up and crisp someone he thinks might have voted Democrat.
One other thing that occurs to me is at least one of the manufacturers brags about how far their Personal Flamethrower can throw flames.
It might be the perfect substitute for a sidearm for our town’s next Downtown J-Turn Enforcement Officer. I would think that a couple of blackened buggies that caught making illegal J-Turns might serve as an effective deterrent to others who are tempted to make the same traffic maneuver. Well, that’s enough excitement for one day.
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THAT LADY referee at the Super Bowl. I noticed that none of the players who got flagged dared to argue with her. I don’t believe the story I saw on cable news that she didn’t like the yellow flags. She reportedly said she preferred teal or turquoise.
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THINGS I LEARNED from opening an email: The Law of Random Numbers — If you call a wrong long distance number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. It shows up on your phone bill next month but you still can’t find out who you actually called.
Also, even the most brilliant of us can get tricked into answering a call if the phone says it’s from a local number. Unfortunately the caller usually turns out to be “Bob” from Calcutta who wants to help with your buggy’s warranty expiration.
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WORD GAMES. The twins: Stars and Stripes. Patriotic to the core.
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I HAVE DRIVEN in Miami, New Orleans, Houston, Dallas, San Diego, Memphis, Broken Bow and a few other bigtime places but I don’t think any of them have traffic that at times is any worse than Nashville. It is practically impossible to back out of a downtown parking space at certain times of the day.
It is especially infuriating to wait and wait and wait for a break in the traffic, and then someone turns off Main Street without signaling. You could’ve backed out then, but NOOOOOOO, they couldn’t signal because they were hold a cell phone to an ear. You might not get another chance for 15 minutes, and if you are like me, you are always in a hurry.
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HE SAID: “At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” Explorer and theologian Albert Schweitzer
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SHE SAID: “Think what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about three o’clock every afternoon and then lay down on our blankets for a nap.” Barbara Jordan, US Congresswoman from Texas
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby