YES, I AM STILL HERE looking out my window on Main Street, and I am thrilled to tell you that for the second time in this college football season, the Arkansas Razorback Football #1 Fair Weather Fan has gotten his Precious Magnetic Hog Door Stickers out of hiding and stuck them prominently on his buggy.
Red ones on the front doors, white ones on the tailgate.
Woooooo Pig, Sooie!
He beats his chest and calls the Hogs in the hope that the real, bonafide, honest and dependable steadfast fans won’t notice how his Razorback spirit so easily flipflops when yet another cupcake opponent ‘mercy rules’ the team on national television.
Conversly, it seems that after every win (even those rare wins over cupcakes like Little Sisters of the Poor Technical School for the Lefthanded) he gets out in front of the victory parade.
The telling thing, however, is that those magnetic stickers were in hiding again before the Ole Miss game. The shine of the Mississississippy State upset win had dulled soon after the armed robbery at Auburn.
“I figgered we deserved to get cheated and I knowed it was gonna happen,” was his only comment. He even had that statement tattooed on his forearm.
But after the Ole Miss win, lots of Fair Weather Fans were coming out of the closet.
Almost immediately after the #1 Fair Weather Fan had brought the Precious Magnetic Hog Door Stickers out of hiding envious fans began chasing his vehicle thru the drive-in line at Starz and in the middle of a Trump Parade.
At first he thought he was just hearing random vehicle car horns, but then he realized that someone was honking in Morse Code.
“Gimmee me them Nog Bickers,” the honker honked (the honker made a few spelling mistakes in Morse Code but you can figure out he was trying to say Hog Stickers).
Well, the #1 Fair Weather Fan would no more sell his Precious Magnetic Hog Door Stickers than he would sell his genuine signed copy of the Mona Lisa.
I’ll tell you how serious this was: Nashville’s Animal Control Guy was in the parade of Fair Weather Fans who were trying to take possession of the #1 Fair Weather Fan’s Precious Magnetic Door Stickers for himself. (I guess he would just put the stickers over the painted signs on the doors of the Animal Control Buggy, or maybe he had plans to quarantine the precious stickers in one of the dog pens on the shores of Lake Chiffon.)
Fan’s euphoria was shortlived because he remembered how quickly he lost his Hog enthusiasm under the tutelage of two unnamed previous coaches leading to the day when the fans were given complimentary anti-depressants at the stadium entrance.
And again at the exits.
But for right now — and until we play Texas A&M — he is a ripsnorting devoted Hog fan, fair weather or not.
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DERELICTION OF DUTY. During these recent heady days when my attention has been on the Razorbacks, I have failed in my duty as a hopeful Downtown J-Turn Enforcement Officer.
Just Tuesday there was a driver who was making fun of me because I couldn’t get deputized. Right in front of my office in broad daylight he ‘faked’ like he was going to make a J-Turn.
“Careful there, Hoss,” I warned. “Even faking a J-Turn is a misdemeanor if ever I’m on duty.”
I let him off the hook because he said he was on his way to a medical emergency and didn’t have time to fool with someone who didn’t have enough influence to get the mayor to finally and officially designate someone to fill the obvious vacancy as J-Turn Enforcement Officer.
If the District Court is having a little problem with cost overruns, it might help if there was an official Downtown J-Turn Officer who could issue tickets for illegal turns AND for driving without a facemask. The court could double up on the fines.
I could assure the court that if I am officially recognized as Nashville’s Downtown J-Turn Enforcement Officer — and get sworn in with full honors in front of the Nashville City Council –I will check to make sure the offender is able to pay his-or-her fine(s).
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THINGS I LEARNED from opening (and believing) anonymous emails. “The First Law of the Stadium: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or bathroom and who leave early before the end of the game. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end. The aisle people are often in a bad mood.”
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WORD GAMES. Another set of siblings: Nook and Cranny. You can search for ‘em everywhere.
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HE SAID: “When you are offended at any man’s fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger.” Epictetus, Greek philosopher born a slave
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SHE SAID: “You cannot hope to build a better world without improving the individuals. To that end, each of us must work for his own improvement and, at the same time, share a general responsibility for all humanity, our particular duty being to aid those to whom we think we can be most useful.” Marie Curie, first woman to win a Nobel Prize
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby