YES, I AM STILL HERE looking out my window on Main Street, and I am telling you in confidence that I am skipping the ‘virtual’ summer convention of the Arkansas Press Association.
Here’s how a virtual convention works:
First, you pay the $50 (non-virtual) fee and you go online with the password.
Second, because you paid the fee you get to attend all of the interesting and entertaining virtual educational sessions put on by some of the experts that have gotten the newspaper industry into its current pickle.
Third, you get to take virtual breaks to go to the restroom or to get one of the last virtual donuts left uncovered on the table in the back of the virtual conference room.
But it’s not all wasted effort and expense. At the end of the day’s last virtual interesting and entertaining educational session, you can go to the virtual hospitality room on the third floor and grab a virtual cocktail.
Since it’s all virtual, you don’t have to settle for a cheapskate virtual beer. I, myself, would have ordered a virtual champagne cocktail and told the bartender to put it on my virtual room tab.
Those newspaper people are no fun whatsoever. I didn’t even win one of the virtual door prizes.
Let’s keep this between you and me. I’ve got a reputation to protect.
=—-= — =
BUT ALL OF THIS VIRTUAL STUFF has crammed a brilliant idea into that ancient void between my ears.
Since I can’t get the mayor to officially designate me to be the Official City of Nashville Downtown J-Turn Enforcement Officer, maybe I can find another way to fill this important post and thereby solve one of our town’s most obvious needs.
I will stuff myself into the Army-Navy surplus camo uniform which keeps shrinking. I will polish my stainless steel police whistle (I WOULD polish my official pistol and arm myself but the State Police are still playing hard-to-get with my request for a concealed weapons permit).
If I can get the newspaper to cooperate with a picture and article, I could designate myself as the ‘Virtual Official City of Nashville Downtown J-Turn Enforcement Officer’ and proudly strut up and down the wide lanes of Main Street, constantly on guard of possible J-Turn activity. I will hand out virtual tickets to offenders (accompanied with suitable bi-lingual admonishment) and they can make a virtual appearance before the judge in Virtual District Court to explain exactly WHY they felt entitled to ignore the city’s perfectly good law against J-Turns.
Oh, do I ever miss KJEP-TV because if our community’s late, lamented low-power television station still existed maybe they could talk the virtual judge into letting them do live telecasts from virtual court.
It is my belief that the shame of being shown in shackles in Virtual District Court would keep the offender from repeating the crime.
=—-= — =
WOOOOO, PIG! Yes, only two and a half weeks until our beloved Razorbacks have a chance to upset the Georgia Bulldogs in a resumption of college football in the SEC.
It’s been mostly a horrible decade for Hog fans who haven’t seen their team win a conference game in two years. Worse, they saw their team lose to Vanderbilt, Western Kentucky, North Texas, Colorado State and other cupcakes.
Does the #1 Fair Weather Razorback Football Fan dread, or look forward to, another season?
Does he have plenty of gauze pads in case he starts bleeding from the nose and ears again after yet another stupid loss?
Oddly enough, he is hopeful. He doesn’t expect the team to win many games, but he thinks things are finally looking up. On the other hand, there could be so many losses that he needs a blood transfusion.
=—-= — =
ANIMAL CRACKERS.
Reports on Facebook claim a small black bear was seen crossing rural roads north of Nashville. Bear reportedly seen later crossing State Highway 26 even farther north. Bear could be headed for Pilgrim’s or the district landfill. “It’s following the railroad tracks,” one poster noted.
I’ve driven lots of country roads all over Howard, Pike, Sevier and Hempstead counties, and I’ve never seen a bear or lion. But, I want to. It’s reason enough for me to continue cruising those roads.
I’ve seen many deer, turkeys, skunks, possums, armadillos, squirrels, owls, rattlesnakes, eagles, a mink and a covey of quail. Lotsa wonderful wildlife, but no lion or bear, yet.
MORE ANIMAL CRACKERS. I’ve not received any suggestions as to what to do with the abandoned bluebird nest and its four tiny eggs. Should I dump just the eggs, or eggs AND nest? Should I move the bluebird box to another location?
=—-= — =
THINGS I LEARNED from opening (and believing) anonymous emails. “The 1st Law of Gravity — Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.”
=—-= — =
WORD GAMES. Another set of siblings: Hansel and Gretel, fairy tale brother and sister who got lost and hungry in the woods, then they stumbled upon a ‘helpful’ old hag named Saban.
=—-= — =
HE SAID: “Look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see, and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious.” Stephen Hawking, physicist and author
=—-= — =
SHE SAID: “The truth. It is a beautiful and terrible thing, and must therefore be treated with great caution.” J.K. Rowling, author
=—-= — =
SWEET DREAMS, Baby
