Home Opinion Mine Creek Revelations by Louie Graves: SEC Home-Cooking

Mine Creek Revelations by Louie Graves: SEC Home-Cooking

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YES, I AM STILL HERE looking out my window on Main Street, and I am trying to swallow the latest home cooking from the SEC office in Birmingham, Ala.

How dare some people accuse the SEC of protecting its favorite football children, Alabama and LSU! How dare they!

Because the conference is going to a virus 10-game conference-only schedule, each team gets two extra opponents.

Arkansas will play Georgia and Florida, the nation’s pre-season #4 and #8 teams, respectively.

Alabama? They were ‘assigned’ perennial SEC toughies Kentucky and Missouri.

LSWho? They were ‘assigned’ perennial SEC toughies Vanderbilt and Missouri.

Georgia? They were ‘assigned’ Mississississippi State and Arkansas. 

Florida? They were ‘assigned’ Arkansas and Texas A&M.

Hmmm. It does look like somebody is getting protected and somebody else is getting hammered.

It’s bad enough that the officiating of any game involving LSWho and Alabamamama is so obviously protective of the league darlings, the Tigers and the Tide now get the ‘cupcakes’ of the conference for their virus season opponents.

Poor Mizzou. They were ‘assigned’ two opponents from the SEC West. They got Alabamamama and LSWho. Wow, what a surprise!

Does anyone else remember that Arkansas left the old SWC because it was bathed in burnt orange? I am going to go out on a limb and predict that Arkansas will not be a cupcake again this year. The Hogs will win at least four games and scare some others.

Remember, I am the #1 Fair Weather Razorback Football Fan and I bleed from the ears and nose when we have yet another stupid loss to an opponent we should have beaten. I’m lucky that I didn’t bleed to death at some point in the last 6-7 years.

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WORLD’S GREATEST HEADLINE. In my journalism classes at the UofA a century ago the perfessers taught that headlines should just have a taste of the story, and should lure the reader to read the article.

Somebody somewhere was obviously listening to their own journalism perfessers because this headline was actually in Saturday’s ‘Texarkana Gazette,’ and it most definitely lured me into reading the story:

Nudist chases down boar who snatched laptop

I would tell the details of the story but I’m sure you wouldn’t be interested. And of course, it should have said ‘that’ snatched laptop.

However, if you were a former journalism student you might be interested to know that the headline was three columns, 24 point, serif type, boldface.

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HEARD FROM. Greatly disappointed at my display of ignorance, Lynn Ramage Schaefer contacted me to correctly spell GINKGO. In a previous column I mentioned planting a ginko tree.

Lynn is thrilled to have caught me in my first printed word mistake.

She’s the daughter of the late David and Marthell Ramage. Lynn was editor of the late, lamented Nashville High School ‘Tattler’ in 1977-78, and worked with me for the summer of 1980 at the ‘Nashville News’ where she first noticed that I never made a grammatical or spelling  missteak.

She’s a grad of SMU and has been at UCA for 29 years. She’s an ESL (English as a Second Language) instructor for international students there. She probably doesn’t like the way I spell Alabamabamama and Missississississippi and Czechoslavakiakiakia?

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ANIMAL CRACKERS. I hope you’ll take this warning seriously.

I visit the Farmers’ Market in Nashville every Friday morning. Almost always I park in the vacant lot south of the railroad tracks. The empty lot is split from the Farmers’ Market by the railroad tracks and it faces East Hempstead and South Washington Streets.

Got it? Because knowing this location could be important to you.

This past Friday I parked in my usual place.

I noticed that grass had grown so fast it was tall and still had the last cutting atop. I waded through the grass, crossed the railroad tracks, and went into the market to look for low-fat nutritional baked treats.

About 15 minutes after I left the market, my legs exploded with chigger bites.

I fled home to look for something to paste on the bites and end my misery. I was in danger of scratching myself to death.

Daughter told me later that I should have sprayed my legs with a mild solution of bleach and water, then rinsed the bleach off after a few minutes.

I don’t know. The itch went away and didn’t come back. After I self-medicated I noticed that in my haste I had grabbed an old tube of Preparation-H. It was well past the expiration date but apparently was still effective.

But I guarantee that there are still plenty of biting bugs in that grass. And they are in a mood to chew.

Find someplace else to park, or wear long pants. You won’t regret it.

Maybe if I ever give up dreams of becoming the Official Downtown J-Turn Enforcement Officer, or the Official City of Nashville Facemask Enforcement Officer, I can get appointed to be Official Farmers’ Market Biting Bug Control Officer. Uniformed and armed, of course.

It’s a parttime job, Mondays and Fridays only.

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WORD GAMES. Another set of siblings: Fat and Sassy. They’re happy just the way they are.

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SWEET DREAMS, Baby