YES, I AM still here at my window watching everyone and everything on Main Street, Nashville, Ark., and it occurs to me that behind the brick planter in our office alcove would be perfect for a machine gun emplacement which I could use in order to discourage illegal J-Turns in the Central Business District.
This is only hypothetical, of course, because for some reason I have not been able to get the mayor to officially deputize me and have not been able to get the Arkansas State Police to approve my application for a concealed handgun permit. The mayor, I can understand. He is concerned with the condition of the city and budgets and bridges and stuff like that.
And the State Police might be just a tad reluctant to endorse my concealed handgun carry because of a few letters I’ve written IN JEST to the ASP commandant and to the governor.
But if they approved my long-awaited designation, from the vantage point behind the brick planter I could spray bullets all the way from the Post Office on the north, to the railroad tracks on the south. J-Turn violators on the east side of Main Street would be easier targets than ones on the west side, but this just shows the need for a deadeye dedicated citizen to step up and accept this important municipal position.
Also, such a machine gun emplacement behind the brick planter would be mostly safe from any crazed motorist who dared to return fire.
Yes, yes, the enforcement of our town’s J-Turn law is important to me, but it is not the only thing. God, country, family, health — they’re important.
And the Statue of Liberty. And Razorback football. And pizza.
But it is also important for me to frequently remind the Board of Directors at Howard Memorial Hospital of our community’s great need for a Senior Citizens Nose and Ear Hair Clinic.
I, myself, was reminded of this great responsibility on Monday morning, President’s Day, when I had a dental appointment in the office of Doc Painless.
The dentist had to have his assistant use some sterilized metal clips to hold back my nose hairs so that he could force the atomic jackhammer past my trembling lips.
I had no idea that such nose hair clips even existed, but it just shows you that many, many other seniors must have a problem with proliferating nasal and ear hair growth. The clips have a feature which permits the dental assistant to keep the silver sprouts from interfering with the drilling.
Here’s how it works: Lengthy nasal hairs are wound around a stainless steel spindle which can easily be unwound afterward to permit the hairs to return to their natural placement.
The clips of the spindle attach the nasal hairs to the barbed wire which has sprouted from the patient’s ears. If wound tight enough on the spindle, the tension on the hairs from above and from below the jaw helps the patient to keep his-and-or-her mouth open for hours with no more discomfort than being forced to listen to your prison guard scratch his fingernails on a blackboard.
One multi-tasking feature of Doc Painless’s ear-nose hair spindle is that when the spindle is unwound the hairs can come loose in your choice of dreadlocks or cornrows. Colorized for a small fee.
And there’s another thing that’s important to me but I can’t remember what it is.
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SMALL WORLD. Arkansas lost a reclusive icon this week when author Charles Portis died. He wrote ‘True Grit’ and ‘Norwood’ and other books made into movies. A talented gent who dodged the limelight. And, boy, he was a wonderful storyteller!
One of my old Navy shipmates, a guy from Talco, Texas, sez he was a cousin of Mr. Portis. My Talco friend was the grandson of a county judge over in Dallas County, Ark. Then his ancestors moved to Talco where his parents had a grocery store. Among their customers were our town’s Neva Nelson White’s relatives.
It is truly a small world. Another old Texas shipmate’s family originally lived in Springdale, Ark. He said his mother was a babysitter for a toddler named Johnny Tyson.
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ANIMAL CRACKERS. Is it just me, or does there seem to be an abundance of fat hawks circling the meadow, these days?
And up on Lake Louis Graves, the upper Mine Creek Reservoir, a strange long creature was filmed swimming across the high but placid lake waters. It was finally adjudged to be a beaver pushing a log. Question: Was it for a construction project, or was the animal being punished?
Or, could the Mystery Creature from Lake Chiffon have relocated from the other end of town?
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WORD GAMES. Another set of twins: Cloak and Dagger. Everyone loves a good mystery!
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HE SAID: “Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone’s face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will bear many fruits, here in this world and the life to come.” Henrik Nouwen, Dutch theologian
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SHE SAID: “I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful.” Elizabeth Edwards, attorney and health care activist
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby