YES, I AM still here. And I am still wondering why we Americans are making such a big deal about Queen Elizabeth’s #2 grandson, Prince Harry, and his wife, the Duchess of Sussex, who have announced that they are ‘stepping back’ from the royal family.
First, why would they want to step back from a life of leisure, swell crowns, uniforms, plenty of money without having to work, and getting to speak English with those cool Limey accents? Why? Why? Why?
Second, if the queen doesn’t want the prince and duchess to have access to the royal fortune, that means that Harry will have to get a job. The duchess will probably get parttime work on ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ or some other quality endeavor.
I am starting to get a real bad feeling about my own job security as a hopeful — but still unofficial — Downtown J-Turn Enforcement Officer.
What if the prince has his eye on this position which I have coveted for so long?
What does he have that I don’t? Well, for starters, he has a red beard. And he has that noble-sounding accent. And his J-Turn Enforcement Officer uniform might include one of those tall bearskin hats or worse, a golden bejeweled crown. He’d march smartly up and down Main Street and draw his sword when he confronting one of those disgusting J-Turners.
The judge would have to call him “Your Majesty,” and that wouldn’t set well with the lineup of speeders in the courtroom awaiting their own shameful appearance.
Yeah, I’ll admit that those sterling qualifications might make him more desirable for this important position.
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#1 FAIR WEATHER Razorback Football Fan. Yes, I am still here. And I’m thinking seriously about jinxing the Hogs right out of the chute, next season. I would like to purchase a pair of tickets to Arkansas’s home opener against that football powerhouse, Nevada.
When I decided to do this I realized that I had NEVER purchased tickets through the University. Possibly out of fear that the Campus Cops were still looking for me.
Also, I think the University likes to sell a booklet of tickets for the whole season, not just for one game. And it is also very possible that someone in the ticket office has heard about the jinx of the #1 Fair Weather Razorback Football Fan, and they are jacking up the price in order to discourage my attendance.
So, if you happen to have a pair of tickets to the U of A home-opener for the 2020 season, and if you won’t try to enhance your retirement fund by selling them to me at a high price, maybe I’d be interested in buying them. I’ll need double-wide seating, please.
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IT’S NOT TOO LATE to write about Christmas 2019, is it?
I describe it as an ‘Uncle Ed Christmas.’ Uncle Ed was actually my great-uncle. He was my father’s uncle, Ed Fant. He was a bachelor East Texas railroad man who lived the last years of his life in the home of my grandmother, his widowed sister.
Uncle Ed liked to order things out of amusement catalogues. Like fake doggy poop, or a realistic pile of faux vomit. He blessed his great-nephews with many gifts which got us into trouble. He even once gave us a carbide canon which made a huge thunderous blast. It was fired exactly once before Grandma Graves took possession and ‘disappeared it.’ She disappeared a lot of his things, come to think of it.
This was an Uncle Ed Christmas because, in the absence of useful, nice gifts, I got whimsical gifts for my Little Rock girls. Gifts like a windshield cleaner pad-on-a-stick; a bathtub toe and foot scrubber; a solar-powered dash fan that looks like an airplane. You get the idea.
Wish I thought to get them some fake doggy poop.
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ANIMAL CRACKERS. Seen on a recent rural road patrol with the Navigator: a juvenile bobcat darted across the road and disappeared into the brush. I have seen bobcats before, but never a young’un.
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THINGS I LEARNED from opening (and believing) email: “If a deaf child ‘signs’ a cuss word, does mom wash his hands with soap?”
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MY REAL New Year’s resolution is to clean out every drawer in the house. I have been stuffing (and losing) things in drawers since October of 1977 when we moved in. This morning I counted the drawers in the house.
46 — and that does not include shelves.
Once the drawers have been emptied of useless treasures from the past, I will begin filling them once again with useless treasures.
In the first drawer this morning I saw an electric wok control; a nutcracker; several old telephones, 500 inkpens, a Cadillac hood ornament and a thermometer. I am reluctant to use the latter even though it probably still works. I’m just not sure where it went to measure temperature.
Next week I will tell you what I was looking for.
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HE SAID: “If you’re trying to achieve, there will be roadblocks. I’ve had them; everybody has had them. But obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.” Michael Jordan, NBA basketball player
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SHE SAID: “I will not follow where the path may lead, but I will go where there is no path, and I will leave a trail.” Muriel Strode, American poet
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby
