AFTER LAST WEEK’S Mine Creek Revelations revelations about the #1 Fair Weather Razorback Football Fan, I did not anticipate writing on that topic again for awhile. I figured both of my regular readers needed a break from my ranting. And, after all, the Hogs would be playing another cupcake opponent and we were favored by more than 20 points and we should surely handle the San Jose State University Spartans with ease.
So, I thought, I probably won’t need to be writing about the Hogs again until we play a school from a Power 5 conference.
Right? Don’t answer that. And why do I set myself up for a fall like that?
If I keep this up the Hogs will become the joke of the Southeastern Conference. Oh, wait.
Instead, let me tell you the Most Valuable Player award winners from the game with the St. Joseph State Cupcakes.
On defense
First, the Defensive Player of the Game.
The award goes to Arkansas quarterback Nick Starkel. Why does he get the defensive award? Well, he threw a school record five pass interceptions, thereby giving our defensive unit a chance to make more hopeful appearances on the field.
He’s also famous for wearing a Justin Bieber T-shirt under his uniform. But, he says he won’t do that again.
Boy, that’ll help. Even more good news. The whole defensive unit gets to share another award. The College Football Second Team Players Association has named the Hog defense to receive its weekly Peacekeeper Award.
On offense
Second, the Offensive Player of the Game.
The award goes to Arkansas quarterback Nick Starkel. You ask: If he threw a school record five interceptions why on earth should he get the offensive award?
Well, his interceptions caused the yardage ‘chains’ to reverse directions at least five times, meaning that the offensive unit got to come off the field for a breather more often.
Also, they had more time to flirt with the pom girls. By the way, the offensive unit was on the field so little that none of their uniforms had to be washed after the game.
Not to be outdone, the whole offensive unit has also won a prestigious award: The College Football Second Team Players Association’s coveted Golden Kitchen Defensive Sieve Award.
THE BRAVEST MAN in Arkansas? University of Arkansas Athletic Director Hunter Yurachek who did not duck his scheduled appearance before the Little Rock Touchdown Club, Monday.
THE MOST SELF-CONTROLLED fans in Arkansas? The audience at the Little Rock Touchdown Club because they didn’t rush to the front of the room and wring Yurachek’s neck.
A GREAT PUBLIC SPEAKER. Razorback head coach Chad Morris has really, really perfected his “Not acceptable” speech in which he takes all the blame and promises we’ll see improvement.
At least he’s right about the blame. Not sure about the improvement.
I am doing my part: This week, for the 16th consecutive time I am picking the Hogs’ opponent to win. That should encourage our boys.
It’s what I’m good at.
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THE INCREDIBLE and Mostly Unbelievable Adventures of my distant kin, Uncle Parry Normal: Uncle Parry is such a cheapskate. He has scouted the town looking for places where automatic lawn watering systems accidentally spray a little ways onto the street. He parks his car there overnight. Since only one side of his car gets washed, he either has to swap ends or go to another place on the next night. Then the back gets washed after more switching. Then the front. That takes longer since there is a thick coat of dead bugs and birds on the nose of the car.
It takes a whole week in several different neighborhoods to rinse off the car, and JUST LOOK he’s saved $1.
All is not happy and swell in this nightly exercise. He has been caught on security cameral ‘adjusting’ the spray pattern of lawn watering systems.
And he got bit by somebody’s harmless pit bull breed puppy.
Somewhere in this issue is a story about the highway department donating a historic bridge or two to some worthy non-profit.
Uncle Parry says he’s the worthiest non-profit in the county that he knows of. No argument there. Even when he was in prison he managed to get a welfare check.
Now, faced with this new opportunity, he says he’d take possession of the bridges over the Cossatot River and Baker Creek and sell them both several times.
There’s even a good possibility he would sell the bridges back to the Arkansas Department of Transportation.
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WORD GAMES. Another set of twins: Lo and Behold.
Surprise, surprise, surprise, said Gomer Pyle.
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HE SAID: “It is enough that the people know there was an election. The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything.” Joseph Stalin, dictator of the USSR
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SHE SAID: “I think it’s a good thing to have a lot of voices in the media, and I think, you know, let all flowers bloom.” Cokie Roberts, broadcast journalist
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby
