COLLEGE FOOTBALL is little more than a month away. That means it is time for the #1 Fair Weather Razorback Football Fan to begin limbering up for what is sure to be an exciting and fulfilling season.
As both of you know, the Hogs are coming off their worst season EVER. A sterling record of 2 wins and 10 losses. I am offering my most sincere apologies to the two cupcakes which we somehow managed to beat — Little Sisters of the Poor Junior College, and the Practice Squad from Scrimshaw Institute of Wheelbalancing.
It was the first season ever for the Little Sisters to have a football team. Their game with the Hogs was televised and, I must say, the school’s cheerleader outfits were the most modest I’ve ever seen.
After our last-second victory over Scrimshaw, the visitors offered discounted oil changes in the stadium parking lot. The cheaper rates provided enough funds for the Scrimshaw bus to get home.
The 2018 season included a ton of embarrassing moments caught on live TV and replayed over and over and over, etc., on various sports shows.
(1) When two of our clever runningbacks ran into each other. There is a chance they did this just to confuse the opposition’s reserve defensive players who were in the game in a mop-up role for the final minutes.
(2) Like when the North Texas guy faked a fair catch and ran untouched about 200 yards for a touchdown. Our punt coverage team should have just run out the end of the stadium and not stopped until they got to West Fork.
Oh, I was so proud of our team, as you will remember! I even texted them: “Stop Playing Like A Bunch of Teenage Imbeciles!”
That fabulous Hog team and that sterling season gave me — the #1 Fair Weather Razorback Football Fan — many chances to stop watching games and retire to the excitement on my patio where I could watch leaves fall into my pool.
But Father Time, as they say, heals all wounds. And that means it’s a whole new season ahead of us. As usual I am expecting an unbeaten national championship and a two touchdown win over Alabamamamama.
I don’t think that’s unrealistic, do you?
To prepare for the coming season I have done something that ensures we will win at least three games.
I have removed the red Hog license plate from the front bumper of my buggy, and I have replaced it with a fine blue-and-gold ‘FLY NAVY’ license plate.
This development may or may not be a bad omen for the U.S. Navy.
In fact, just yesterday I got a call from some admiral in the Pentagon.
The admiral whined: “I’m sure you know that the Midshipmen have lost two consecutive football games to the d*mned Army, and the fleet is having a devil of a time with the Iranian Navy in the Straits of Hormuz, so we don’t need your help by flaunting that license plate.”
He hinted that IF I removed the FLY NAVY license plate the Navy would stop asking for the return of my Good Conduct Medal.
Otherwise there could be a nighttime visit from a Navy SEAL team.
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WORST MISTAKES. I will not tell you the #1 and #2 worst mistakes of my life, but I will let you in on #3.
Sunday, daughter Julie ended grandmother’s birthday visit here to return to her home in Maumelle. Julie had to leave specifically by a certain time because she had to pick up pets at a boarding place. An overstay would have cost $150.
She left in plenty of time, telling her father to take a nap (as if his backside wouldn’t hit the recliner the moment her car left the driveway). Not only did her father take her advice about a nap, he helpfully silenced his cell phone and left it in another room.
After a swell nap and a TV program or two I went down to the office for a little work. Did this WITHOUT unsilencing my phone.
After awhile the phone ‘dinged’ to let me know someone was trying to call. It was daughter. “Just wanted to let you know I got home all right and you can just ignore the THREE voicemail messages I left for you!” I could sense just a bit of tension in her voice.
To make a long story short, on her way out of town she went to her grandfather’s grave. When she tried to leave, her car wouldn’t start.
“It’s okay, I’ll just call my dad,” she probably assured herself.
But her dad didn’t answer. After awhile, nervously looking at the time, she called again. This time left a voicemail.
After awhile, MORE nervously looking at the time, she called again. No answer. She decided to walk to a nearby restaurant in hopes of seeing someone she knew so she could hitch a ride to her father’s house.
But miraculously the car started. That’s when she left her last voicemail message. She did get home in time to get the dog and cat before incurring extra fees. I get this feeling that I will hear about this episode a few more times.
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WORD GAMES. Another set of twins: Mac and Cheese. Someone told me that their family name was Deelish.
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HE SAID: “The activist is not the man who says the river is dirty. The activist is the man who cleans up the river.” Ross Perot, ‘Texarkana Gazette’ delivery boy
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SHE SAID: “Maturity: Be able to stick with a job until it is finished. Be able to bear an injustice without having to get even. Be able to carry money without spending it. Do your duty without being supervised.” newspaper advice columnist Ann Landers
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby