Home Opinion Mine Creek Revelations by Louie Graves: New Phones-Push 7 for J-Turn Deputy

Mine Creek Revelations by Louie Graves: New Phones-Push 7 for J-Turn Deputy

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IT’S ALMOST time for March Madness, and that means it is almost time for the Number One Fairweather Razorback Fan to share his opinion of his favorite team’s tournament chances for the benefit of his adoring public (that’s me, party of the first part, and you, the adoring public).

First, let us give thanks for the Lady Razorbacks, the first #10 seed team to reach the title game of the SEC women’s basketball tournament. The ladies upset 4-time defending champ South Carolina and the Texas A&M ladies and two other teams on their way to the title game. There they lost, but, still, let us recognize that the ladies had to win four games in just four days before they could play the Lady Bulldogs who had only one game before the finals.

So, the Lady ‘Backs should be an inspiration to the men’s basketball team which is going in as the #9 seed. Right? You do recognize the sarcasm in that statement, don’t you?

The Hogs first must play Florida, and of course we’ll lose. Even if we surprise the Western World and beat Florida in our first game, we’d advance to play #1 seed LSU which won the regular season round-robin title. See, LSU won the conference round-robin and as the #1 seed they get to play the bracket which contains the worst teams in the tournament, meaning the Razorbacks.

On the other side of the bracket are Kentucky and Tennessee, both of whom are ranked in the top 10 in the nation.

Once again, don’t we all already know who will win the SEC tournament? Anyone want to bet against Kentucky? I am as tired of Kentucky in basketball as I am of Alabamamama in football.

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DIDN’T IT RAIN! Lord, give us a few dry, sunny days (I know I’ll regret saying this come August). For the year, 37 out of 71 days have had measurable rainfall. The first two and a half months of the year have all been over normal rainfall — and by a total of 6.22 inches. That’s OVER normal rainfall.

Normal rainfall for January is 3.66 inches, and we got 4.61.

Normal rainfall for February is 4.01 inches, and we got 7.62.

Normal rainfall for the first 11 days of March is 1.81 inches, and we got 2.52.

We’ve had 37 days with measurable rainfall. More than half the days. And it rained Tuesday morning, the day of this writing.

Ditches are running, streets are torn up, ponds are spilling around the edges of earthen dams, and lakes are brown from the runoff of streams and rivers.

A friend of a friend of mine says that there recently was a small alligator in the creek beside her Missouri home. Yes, an alligator in Missouri. Probably displaced by high waters in Louisiana. It was probably swept upstream against the normal flow of the Mississississippippi River. Sounds like the beginning of a fine Mark Twain tale.

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I HAVE TERRIBLE NEWS. The city of Nashville has gone to an automatic telephone answering system. “Push 1 for the mayor’s office; push 2 for ….” And so it goes.

I called. And listened closely although the taped message was hard to hear over my sobbing. With a shock I realized that there was NOT “Push 7 for the City’s Officially Deputized J-Turn Enforcement Officer.” Fair warning to the City of Nashville: Any day now the mayor might deputize me, and how in the devil could the public rat out a J-Turn offender if I can’t take the calls? I also need a desk with phone.

So what happened next? I was almost witness to a Main Street accident Monday. I wisely decided that police needed to be called and some public servant needed to come sweep up the broken glass.

I dialed.

“Push 1 for the mayor’s office; push 2 for …..” Well, my cell phone was in my hand, and I was standing on the sidewalk. The face of the phone was dark and I could no more see which buttons to push than I could talk to the man in the moon, whoever he is.

By the time I finally connected to an office at city hall, they had all left work for the day. I don’t blame them, for they had been dealing with this new, improved system all day and must have been totally exhausted.

Since I am semi-deputized, my plan is to organize a Nashville Militia. We’ll march to city hall and rip the phone system off the walls. We will then burn the equipment in the parking lot alongside the fire which we started earlier to consume the county’s phone system.

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THINGS I LEARNED from opening (and believing) email: “A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’  

The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead ….”

Is this a true story? At first I thought she might have been talking about other shoppers.

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WORD GAMES. Another set of twins: Seek and YeShall. The Find sisters. Mighty fine, too.

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HE SAID: “Time will bring to light whatever is hidden; it will cover up and conceal what is now shining in splendor.” Horace, also known as Quintus Horatius Flaccus, a Roman poet and philosopher

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SHE SAID: “Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I’m taking with me when I go.” Erma Bombeck, newspaper columnist

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SWEET DREAMS, Baby