Home Obituaries Mine Creek Revelations by Louie Graves: Alien P-Nut Butter

Mine Creek Revelations by Louie Graves: Alien P-Nut Butter

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A SCIENCE MYSTERY. As best I can, I have followed that strange story out of remote New Mexico where a secretive solar flare observatory has been evacuated and the FBI is on the scene. Now, a nearby post office there has also been evacuated.

The FBI, of course, is saying nothing.

In a vacuum of legitimate news reporting, wild stories flourish. And there are plenty of people who will believe anything.

One entertaining story about the observatory was that our good friends, the Russians, had hacked control of our satellite which was observing the sun, and had turned it back to spy on our own secret spots on earth. Or, be used as a death ray.

I guess that our president could tell his Russian friends that it is not nice to hack and spy. And of course, he’d believe them when they denied doing it.

Another explanation is Aliens!! Not the kind that climbs over the border fence, but the kind that came to earth and taught Egyptians how to build pyramids that are perfectly aligned with the belt of the Constellation Orion.

And — I’m not kidding — this also has something to do with the ratio of crunchy to smooth peanut butter in jars which are displayed in tight formation on your grocer’s shelves, aligned perfetly with the stars in the ‘belt’ of the Constellation Orion.

More jars of crunchy —  means aliens are present and have infiltrated our government.

More smooth jars — means aliens have returned to Planet X but they have left coded messages in plain sight.

This is one of the two main reasons I have given up peanut butter.

The other reason is that all of our peanut butter is now made in China.

Honestly, if a whole nation of people can’t pronounce ‘Consterration Olion’ properly, how can you expect them to make a decent batch of peanut butter? Plus, you ever seen anyone try to eat peanut butter with chopsticks? Hah, I didn’t think so.

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AND ANOTHER ‘HAH!’ ADMIT THAT YOU turned to this column first to see if I’d write again about our mighty football Razorbacks and their swoon against another cupcake opponent.

Instead, you are totally surprised that I am in full control of my incendiary temper and have remained calm.

It’s because I’m a year older and I recognize what is really important in life.

Like NOT PLAYING LIKE AN IMBECILE!

There, I feel much better.

But, WAIT! Those are just teenage boys out there. They’re playing their hearts out and YOU, Mr. Smartypants Lying Media Newspaper Columnist, shouldn’t be so hard on them.

After all, how did YOU do in your college football career?

No one wants to win more than these kids and their million-dollar coaches.

If we keep expanding the stadium and building more and more athletic facilities we’re certain to improve our recruiting, right?

You should be patient, and kind, and understand that it will take 10-12 more years before we can be competitive with cupcakes again.

OKAY, OKAY. I get  your message.

I will change my negative thinking and I will sincerely shout:

“STOP PLAYING LIKE

TEENAGE IMBECILES!”

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WHEN MY Dollar Shave Club stuff is delivered each month, the box always contains a pamphlet full of priceless information.

The recent pamphlet had an article which promised to bust some ‘classroom myths.’

Like, stop putting two spaces after a period. The only reason it was done in the first place was that old manual typewriters unfortunately produced odd spacing.

We no longer need two blank spaces after each period. So please stop sending stuff that way. Otherwise I will come to your place and shout at you and call you a TEENAGE IMBECILE!

THIS SAME publication asks if schools will ever teach practical skills. I quote: “Have you ever wondered why your school had you dissect a frog in biology class, yet never bothered to show you how to change a tire, open a bank account, or fill out a tax return?”

Good question. The publication suggests that our schools’ goal is to get students into college, not prepare them for life.

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UNCLE NASA SAYS there are more than a half-million pieces of space debris (including man made and Almighty made) circling our Earth. And those are just the ones that are marble-sized or bigger.

The number continues to grow with each launch of a spacecraft or orbiting satellite. Sooner or later, an old 7/8ths washer will fly through a sensitive spot on the Space Station and we’ll be treated to a real time space drama.

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THINGS I LEARNED  from reading (and believing) stuff on the Internet: A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

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WORD GAMES. The twins: Bells and Whistles. Everything you need, and more.

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HE SAID: “God writes the Gospel not in the Bible alone, but also on trees, and in the flowers and clouds and stars.” Martin Luther, theologian

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SHE SAID: “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.” Reba McEntire, singer

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SWEET DREAMS, Baby