‘FAST’ doesn’t always mean speedy.
Nope. Most of the time — unfortunately — it means ‘no eat.’
Like, every time I have some sort of medical-related visit. Their office sends me a terse note that says I must ‘fast’ after midnight. Meaning at the stroke of the witching hour I must have already swallowed my last bite of food.
After that I can only have teeeeny sips of pure mountain water.
So it was last week when a doc was thinking about tinkering with my ticker.
My appointment wasn’t until 2 in the afternoon, but I still had to “fast after midnight.”
I was in Little Rock for this particular visit and I was really wondering if I had enough will power to fast from evening meal on Thursday until mid-afternoon snack time on Friday.
A brilliant idea nearly knocked me to my knees.
I searched Little Rock successfully for an all-night, all-you-can-eat buffet.
I went in and ate continuously until the stroke of midnight.
Next day, when I was asked if I had fasted after midnight I smugly explained “Yes, but I feasted until then.”
The nurse thought it was funny but the doc hit the roof.
You’ve got to get your weight down, he said through gritted teeth, and by golly I could tell that he really meant it.
I’ve always had a weight problem. When I was a Navy helicopter aircrewman I had trouble maintaining my ‘flight’ weight. That was nearly 75 pounds ago.
I’ve tried everything under the sun to lose weight.
Been hypnotized three different times by three different hypnotistsnotistsnotists.
Been to a weight doc who had some miracle pills. Haha.
Been to counseling with dietician. The truth hurts.
Been in Weight Watchers so many times I can’t count that high. But, I hasten to add, Weight Watchers is the only thing that ever worked for me for any amount of time. I’ve lost hundreds of pounds with WW.
I may try to sneak in again soon under a false name, but the truth is that I might be too ashamed to show my face there again.
Once a few years ago I looked into organizing an Overeaters Anonymous chapter here but could’t find out much.
I think the Overeaters Anonymous chapter at Mena meets in their local all-night, all-you-can-eat buffet.
I am just weak.
More than 25 years ago I managed to quit cigarettes, but I cannot eat moderately. If it’s on my plate (or even in the refrigerator or pantry) it doesn’t hang around long.
I’ve even thought seriously about stopping kids who are walking to school. I’d take stuff out of their lunch boxes. Be my luck they only had apples and oranges and other healthy stuff. It would also be my luck that I picked on some kid that would fight back. But that’s another story and I’m sure you wouldn’t be interested.
I’m trying real hard to think of other bad habits I’ve managed to quit. I can’t.
Well, maybe I can count quitting Weight Watchers among my accomplishments. I’ve been real good at that.
But you can see where that led me.
To an all-night, all-you-can-eat buffet in Little Rock.
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SPORTS NEWS. In a Razorbacks column in Tuesday’s ‘Arkansas Democrat Gazette’ the writer mentioned briefly that our town’s Kirby Adcock practiced with the first team offensive line. LaMichael Pettway is also getting mentions by the writers.
I’m going to look back in this column’s archives and find where I wrote about football players from Nashville, Dierks, Murfreesboro and Mineral Springs who played for the Hogs.
Any reasonable person would say we’d be lucky to win five games this coming season, but Always Hopeful Louie predicts seven wins.
Woooooo Pig!
And, yes, I admit that I am the Number One Fair Weather Hog Fan.
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ANIMAL CRACKERS. Last week I dumped five tiny eggs out of my bluebird house. The eggs had been languishing there for several weeks. It had been several weeks since I had seen Mom or Pop, so I figgered that there was no life in the eggs.
I took the bluebird house down. I’m going to move it to a shady location. The last three batches from that sunny location have ended tragically. I’m hoping the new location will improve ‘our’ chances.
It is probably too late to have another batch this year.
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THINGS I LEARNED from opening (and believing) email: Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
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WORD GAMES. The twins: Old and Worn. Sometimes we all feel that way, don’t we?
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HE SAID: “Television is like the invention of indoor plumbing. It didn’t change people’s habits. It just kept them inside the house.” Alfred Hitchcock, filmmaker
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SHE SAID: “Being the Queen is not all about singing, and being a diva is not all about singing. It has much to do with your service to people. And your social contributions to your community and your civic contributions as well.” Aretha Franklin, queen of soul
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby
