MONDAY, JULY 2 was World UFO Day. Why did the government keep the date secret?
It was obviously another coverup meant to keep us from discovering the truth about aliens and spaceships.
I was recently in the company of an old newspaper friend who ‘covered’ two nights of UFO visits in Little River County (back in the 1980s, I believe).
On the same nights he observed the UFO, in another part of Little River County my old college roomie was also observing the spacecraft.
They described it to me identically. It was low. It was flat black. It was huge. And made only a low moaning sound.
Neither of these guys take any teasing about the proximity of the Oklahoma Line and their UFO sightings.
About five percent of all — ALL — UFO sightings cannot be explained, according to an article in Livescience.
I really have doubts that UFOs exist. But I do not doubt anything those two previously-mentioned friends say.
This is what we in the newspaper column writing business like to call a dilemma.
5 6 5 5 6 5
FINALLY I can get back on my diet. It had been interrupted by a nationwide ‘E. coli’ outbreak in Romaine lettuce. Unfortunately for my diet, I was supposed to exist solely on Romaine lettuce and beets.
But then came the ‘E. coli’ and the lettuce was banned. That meant I had to resume my regular diet of cheeseburgers and Peanut M&Ms.
But investigators have found the source of the infection. It was an irrigation canal in Arizona where most of our diet Romaine lettuce is grown. Soon it will be safe to consume Romaine again. Whooppee!
5 6 5 5 6 5
THE CHICKENS come home to roost. That’s another clever saying I didn’t make up.
I don’t care about awards very much EXCEPT that I want ‘Mine Creek Revelations’ to win Best Humorous Column in the annual Arkansas Press Association Better Newspaper Contest. Well, I lied. I DO care a lot about awards.
The contest this year was judged by members of the Louisiana Press Association.
Once again ‘Mine Creek Revelations’ did not win. This is becoming a disturbing trend.
It came in second to a column by a lady writing in the McGehee-Dermott News-Times. Or maybe the Dermott-McGehee Times-News.
I got beat by a lady writer last year, too. Last year the ‘best’ humorous column was about a recipe. I don’t know what the topic of the winner was this year. I won’t call the writer and ask her about it because she would probably accuse me of stalking, and file a complaint with the newspaper police.
My second place column this year was about this community’s great need for a nose and ear hair clinic at the hospital. I thought it was pretty humorous, but I guess the Louisiana judges don’t have to put up with nose or ear hair, yet. They probably think recipe columns are hilarious. Maybe next year we ought to submit Jean Ince’s column in the humorous column category. No offense, Jean.
One thing is obvious, John Robert is going to have to ramp up his bribes to the judges. Especially when the judges are from Louisiana.
And another thing.
The fact that I got beat by a lady writing for the Dermott paper is Cosmic Karma.
Both of my regular readers will remember when I wrote about a trip to East Arkansas and I drove around for awhile in downtown Dermott.
It was Christmastime. I wrote about the deserted streets and obvious economic desolation of the town. I wrote that instead of gay holiday banners hanging from downtown light poles, there were Salvation Army banners. That was a lie. They actually had Christmas banners.
Getting beat by a lady from Dermott is just what I deserved.
No more making fun of other towns — or recipes — is my new rule for this column. At least for a few more weeks. Lucky for me the Arkansas Razorbacks’ collapse at the College World Series took the attention away from the savage battle for first place in the weekly newspaper humorous column category in the Better Newspaper Contest.
5 6 5 5 6 5
THINGS I LEARNED from opening email: The American soldier does not fight because he hates who is in front of him; he fights because he loves who is behind him.
5 6 5 5 6 5
WORD GAMES. The Twins: Sink or Swim. For when it’s really, really, really time to make up your mind.
5 6 5 5 6 5
HE SAID: “Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” Abraham Lincoln, 16th President
5 6 5 5 6 5
SHE SAID: “When I wake up, I expect things to be good. If they’re not, then I try to set about trying to make them as good as I can ‘cause I know I’m gonna have to live that day anyway. So why not try to make the most of it if you can? Some days, they pan out a little better than others, but you still gotta always just try.” Dolly Parton, entertainer
5 6 5 5 6 5
SWEET DREAMS, Baby
