Home Opinion Mine Creek Revelations by Louie Graves: J-turn bombshell

Mine Creek Revelations by Louie Graves: J-turn bombshell

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HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL. During his impromptu ‘State of the City’ address to the Nashville Rotary Club, recently, Nashville Mayor Billy Ray Jones tried to dodge a question about the town’s dire need for a Downtown J-Turn Law Enforcement professional.

He tried to steer the topic into a new direction, but one of the wisest and most modest of the Rotarians just would not let go.

Finally, worn out by the questioner’s persistence, the mayor said that someday it might happen.

“We might not be able to escape having to appoint a Downtown J-Turn Czar.”

Wow, I have not yet been officially named Nashville’s Downtown J-Turn Enforcement Deputy, and already I’ve had a promotion to Czar.

I am hopeful there will be a corresponding hike in pay. I’m also wondering if the title is spelled Czar or Tsar. I’d write about this further but I don’t want to seem fixated on small details

I am fairly sure that the only reason the mayor hasn’t yet named me ‘Official Downtown J-Turn Enforcement Deputy’ is that he is covered up with the duties of office.

Just as I am sure that the Arkansas State Police aren’t the ones holding up my concealed firearm permit and carry application just because of a few minor flaws in my questionnaire answers and the results of the mental examination.

As soon as I can get the mayor a little breathing room from his all-consuming work; and as soon as the ASP helps me find and remove the obstacle in my sidearm permit application; and as soon as I am able to afford a suitable camo uniform at the Army-Navy Surplus Store; then you will see me on the job passing out J-Turn tickets without regard to sex, race, national origin or religious preference.

You might even see me take a shot at a fleeing J-Turn offender. I figger that will happen only once and then word will get around.

It’s only to be expected that I will reserve a few J-Turn warning tickets for lady drivers in yoga pants. And remember my pledge: I will steal no more than I need.

I’d write more but I do not like to stir things up.

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GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN. There is/are a wad of bluebirds, red cardinals and brown thrushushusheseses that come to my patio in search of peanuts.

For about a decade I’ve put out raw, in-shell peanuts on a small table for the feathered critters to eat. I put the peanuts out in the morning. There have been times when I’d have six or eight bluejays perched on top of the fence waiting for their turn to dive in for a peanut.

I became an expert peanut shopper.

I learned that the 10-pound yellow burlap bags of raw peanuts would become available in local grocery stores by early October, coinciding with harvest across the south.

Then one year the bags shrunk to 8-pounds without a corresponding reduction in price.

A few years passed.

Last year the bright yellow bags didn’t arrive until sometime in November, if I remember correctly. They must have been fairly popular because they disappeared from the grocery shelves quicker than usual.

I waited too long to buy my third bag. I was out of luck. So were the birds.

And this year, there are none. Yellow burlap bags, that is.

Neither Cash Savers nor Walsmart. I’ve asked politely at both places. Folks at Cash Savers say they asked their warehouse, and there are no more big bags of peanuts to be had.

Employees at the other place say they’ve never had big bags of peanuts, and I must have imagined them.

The upshot is that now I have to be satisfied with the available 16 oz. sacks.

One of my main objections is that the peanuts in the smaller, clear plastic sacks are bigger than the peanuts that were in the burlap bags. The bigger peanuts are harder for the birds to fly off with. Especially the cardinals because they have such wittle bitty beaks.

And I’m not a math genius, despite what  you’ve heard.

I ciphered that with the smaller bags, I am paying more per peanut than before.

• • • • • • • • • •

THINGS I LEARNED from opening email: Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

As bad as movies have gotten, the winners should be given bags of switches.

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WORD GAMES. The twins: Bar and Grill. Even though they’re frequently together, you should always just say “I’m going to the Grill.”

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HE SAID: “Men make history and not the other way around. In periods where there is no leadership, society stands still. Progress occurs when courageous, skillful leaders seize the opportunity to change things for the better.” Harry S. Truman, 33rd U.S. President

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SHE SAID: “When I was growing up, there were no women in orchestras. Auditioners thought they could tell the difference between a woman playing and a man. Some intelligent person devised a simple solution: Drop a curtain between the auditioners and the people trying out. And, lo and behold, women began to get jobs in symphony orchestras.” Ruth Bader Ginsburg, U.S. Supreme Court Justice

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SWEET DREAMS, Baby