MY ADVICE freely given to the board of directors at Howard Memorial Hospital is to seriously think about establishing a nose and ear hair clinic.
We got all kinds of clinics — and I am proud of all of ‘em — but, for instance, I really do not need a gynecology clinic. HMH has got urology, pediatric, dermatology, sleep, heart and other clinics, including one for geriatric behaviorial health which I won’t try to explain right now.
What I need the most is a good, reliable nose and ear hair clinic.
It is one of the true mysteries of life why men’s noggin hair falls out at about the same time ear and nose hairs sprout so copiously.
Some people, myself included, have a hard time breathing because of the silver nose bristles that clog the nostrils. And I don’t need a hearing aid, I just need an open passageway in my ears.
This hair thing apparently has something to do with testosterone, but I won’t bother trying to explain it to you right now.
I just know that the clinician at the geriatric behaviorial health clinic said — with some disgust — “You’ve got enough nose hair to weave a Navajo Indian blanket.”
Reminds me of my Navy boot camp company commander (a tough little 1st Class Petty Officer who was one scary dude).
On the night before our first official personal inspection, he warned us to shave closely. “I don’t want to see no peach fuzz,” he growled. Man, he was really scary.
But one smart guy from Erie, Pa., decided that he really didn’t need to shave. “All I got is a little peach fuzz,” he told us fellow ‘boots’ after the company commander had left.
Next morning we stood at attention for inspection. Our PO1 walked down the line closely examining (1) fingernails; (2) how clean the neckline of our t-shirt was; (3) and the presence of facial hair.
He stopped in front of that know-it-all from Pennsylvania.
“I thought I told you no peach fuzz,” he said with glare that would have stunned a small animal or transgender sailor.
The company commander whipped out his trusty Zippo lighter; flicked it alive; and passed the flame over the boot’s chinny-chin-chin. If you were standing close you could smell the burnt hairs.
The rest of our bootcamp company took to heart the lesson from that unofficial US Navy teaching opportunity.
That night the company commander growled that we needed to wash our privates real good because next day the nurse was going to give us all an intimate inspection.
As he said this, he flipped the top of that Zippo open and closed. Open and closed. Open and closed. Click and clack.
Another teaching opportunity was avoided.
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ON A SERIOUS NOTE. I attended events at UA-Cossatot and the Howard County Children’s Center last week, and they sharply reminded me of the men and women who serve tirelessly and without any compensation on the governing boards of those institutions. The presence and excellence of the college and the children’s center truly elevate our community. Thank you.
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I TURNED OFF the telly Sunday night secure in the knowledge that the Texas Aggies were cruising to a thorough hammering of the UCLA Bruins. There was a 34-point margin and not a lot of playing time left.
But, it appears that Arkansas’s second half coach has been hired by the Aggies.
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ANIMAL CRACKERS. My neighbor David Rauls sends an email with pics from his game camera which is located about 150 yards from my house. The location is important to note because one of the regular ‘turnarounds’ on my morning walk is at the end of David’s driveway very close to where he puts the game camera.
He sent pics of foxes, raccoons, a possum and a bobcat.
Meanwhile, I’ve seen a critter in my yard that I can’t identify. One reason I can’t identify it is because I get only the briefest glimpse of the fleeing animal. I’ve come across it twice near the air conditioner located at the western end of my house.
I’ve baited a rat trap with no results.
This animal is almost a blond brown. As large as a squirrel but the tail is not bushy. And it scurries like a rat.
I’m going to try peanut butter infused multi-grain bread in the trap soon. It never fails. I can barely resist it myself.
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THINGS I LEARNED from opening email: A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
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WORD GAMES. Another set of triplets: Signed, Sealed and Delivered. What else can I say?
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HE SAID: “With Malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation’s wounds.” Abraham Lincoln 16th President of the United States.
We sure could use you now, Mr. President
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SHE SAID: “They say it is better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?” Princess Diana.
We sure could use you now, Princess Di
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby
