‘SQUALL THEM TIRES!’ There’s not a young man of driving age anywhere who hasn’t spun a donut in a parking lot, or ‘laid rubber’ leaving a stop sign.
Now, in addition to squalling them tires, the driver can also leave a nutritious smell in the air and impress his girlfriend at the same time.
Here’s why. About 30 percent of your tire is something called Carbon Black. The United States is running out of carbon black, and the only foreign sources are probably countries which Comrade President Trump has already made mad.
There’s hope, even though it’s in the form of some yankee perfessers at Ohio State.
They are hopeful of their research to convert food waste into carbon black to use in our precious mudgrips. Eggshells seem to be promising. And tomaters, although the yankee perfessers insist upon calling them toMAHtoes. Can you believe that?
One reason that young male drivers can get away with spinning their tires is that the police are all downtown trying valiantly to catch J-Turners. Not.
OUR HIGH IQ legislators voted that beginning in 2019 a high school student must pass a simple civics test in order to graduate. That’s not bad. But then one smarty legislator filed a bill that all legislators had to take — and pass — the exam before they could legislate. His bill was hooted down. My opinion is that we’ve elected a bunch of dunces. They probably couldn’t pass the test.
CRIME PAYS. Few things have embarrassed me — an enlisted sailor 1962-66 — as much as the current ‘Fat Leonard’ scandal which has resulted in numerous high-level US Navy officers being investigated and one admiral actually charged.
Already seven high brass have pleaded guilty to felony corruption and bribery.
These guys were regaled with fancy meals and hookers, and they revealed ship movements to ‘Fat Leonard’ who made a fortune off serving US ships when they were in port.
Here’s what makes me the most mad: The admiral who has been indicted (and is the highest ranking naval officer ever charged for a crime) will get his $10,000 per month pension no matter the outcome of his trial.
Yep. All of these guys will get their pensions even tho they’ll be kicked out of the Navy.
That’s another thing our Republican Congress oughta fix. These officers are an awful embarrassment to America, and especially to the U.S. Navy. Especially to us ole swabbies who still treasure our days in bell bottoms and think that we made a difference.
I hope to God we don’t have more morally-weak persons at the top end of our military.
I am still proud that I served. Anchors Aweigh!
THE GOOD EARTH. If you’ve booked your trip to Washington, D.C., for the annual Cherry Blossom Festival maybe it’s not too late to get your money back.
There won’t be many blossoms this year. Because of global warming, the trees were blooming at a record early date.
But then a late winter storm coated the capital with ice and killed off this year’s buds.
So, if you want to see a blooming Cherry Blossom tree this year, you’ll have to drive in front of my house and look at the one which I planted in the fall of 2001. That tree was a birthday gift from my thoughtful daughter Julie. It languished in some regional postal center because of 9-11. I feared the tree would be dead when the post office finally delivered it many days after my birthday which is 9-15.
But the tree lived. Thrived, in fact. And for the past few years it has blessed my yard with its very pale pink blossoms early each spring. This year, like its distant relatives in Washington, D.C., it budded early. And then we escaped that late wintry blast.
It’s blooming now. But hurry, the blooms won’t stay up long.
ANIMAL CRACKERS. Mark Pack, ‘my’ bluebird expert, says that my eyes may not be fooling me when I see a bluebird with blue wings and shoulders that are the dazzling ‘blue bunting’ blue. There are other varieties, including some brilliant buntings which have a brown breast like the bluebird, he sez.
How many times did I use the word ‘blue’ in the previous paragraph?
THE TWINS. They’re 3.5 hp, 4-cycle and very dependable — Briggs and Stratton. They request gasoline with no ethanol.
THINGS I LEARNED from opening email: Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
HE SAID: “Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.” Luther Burbank, pioneer in agricultural science
SHE SAID: “You may not always have a comfortable life and you will not always be able to solve all of the world’s problems at once but don’t ever underestimate the importance you can have because history has shown us that courage can be contagious and hope can take on a life of its own.” Michelle Obama, former First Lady
SWEET DREAMS, Baby