Because of his vast experience checking up on children and young adults worldwide, Santa has been asked by his country to do background checks on the executives whom Comrade President-elect Trump wants for the cabinet.
See, the Obama government has to pay for the background checks, and they figure they could get out cheaper if Santa — instead of the FBI — did the checks because Santa was already keeping tabs on who had been naughty and who had been nice. And who trusts the FBI?
Well, Santa had never denied a Christmas wish for any sitting U.S. President except for the time he said “No more interns in the Oval Office,” so he agreed to help the nation in its hour of need.
AHA! He had a great insight. He’d get an automated telephone answering and routing system installed in the North Pole business igloo. He finally found a system he could afford. It was made in China, and the vendor — a Mr. Hoo Hee — promised and crossed his heart a thousand times that the incoming and outgoing calls would not be monitored by a foreign government.
First of all, Santa recorded the message: “Ho, ho, ho. This is Santa Claus and I want to know if you’ve been naughty or nice.”
Second of all, Santa would have the automated answering service take their return calls. When the nominated cabinet member returned the call, this is what he-and-or she heard:
RING RING RING
“Good day and thank you for returning Santa’s call from the North Pole Business Igloo Communications Center.
“Press one if you are responding in Espanyol. Press the funny-looking Cryllic number if you are responding in Roosian.
“Press two if you are venting about the Razorback defense.
“Press three if you have been, or hope to be, gainfully purchased by the Russians.
“Press four if you think Hillary should go to prison.
“Press five if you think Comrade President Trump will ever release his tax returns.
“Press six if you would like to purchase a degree from Trump University.
“Press seven if you think the crooked media has lied.
“Press eight for White House room service at Trump Tower.”
Santa already knows I’ve been naughty.
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THE GOOD EARTH. A California researcher has discovered a new species of plant living entirely in a small patch of Baja California, Mexico.
The plant dies each winter and sprouts anew in the summer, meaning that it is a (check one) (A) perennial; or (B) annual. I don’t know which and I don’t care.
But the guy who discovered the plant had the honor or giving it a name. Since he was from California he naturally named it after a song that was playing on the radio at the ‘aha’ moment of discovery. It was a song by a psychedelic rock star who died of a heroin overdose. The new plant, dudleya hendrixii, has pink and white blooms, and is already declared an endangered species.
Jimi Hendrix is not the first musical person to have a plant named in his honor or named after a song he/they performed. Others have been Pink Floyd and Johnny Cash.
This is useful information at its finest.
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GOLD OF THE MAGI. For the third year in a row, a Mexican gold 50-peso coin has mysteriously been dropped into a Salvation Army Red Kettle in south Florida. The coins are worth about $1,400 each. The giver wraps the coin in a US one-dollar bill, and drops it unnoticed into the Red Kettle. God bless.
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There are several different versions of the lyrics for this favorite Christmas carol. It started out as a poem written in the mid-1800s and music was later added to celebrate a church’s new organ. Merry Christmas to you. This is all I’m giving this year.
O Holy Night
O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of our dear Saviour’s birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appear’d and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born;
O night divine, O night, O night Divine.
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THE TWINS. I wrote a letter to the typing twins, Hunt and Peck, but it took forever for them to write back. Someone told me that their surname was Underwood.
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HE SAID: “The Earth reminded us of a Christmas tree ornament hanging in the blackness of space. As we got farther and farther away it diminished in size. Finally it shrank to the size of a marble, the most beautiful marble you can imagine.” James Irwin, American astronaut
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SHE SAID: “At Christmas, I am always struck by how the spirit of togetherness lies also at the heart of the Christmas story. A young mother and a dutiful father with their baby were joined by poor shepherds and visitors from afar. They came with their gifts to worship the Christ child.”Queen Elizabeth II, British monarch
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby
