BE PATIENT WITH ME while I tell you of the heartbreaking problems I’ve encountered while becoming familiar with my fine new buggy.
I hope you don’t mind watching a grown man cry.
‘New’ is maybe a misnomer, seeing as how as I bought my truck in late April.
But there is sooooo much mysterious stuff to learn. It’s all my fault because I insisted upon paying more money for some things I really didn’t need.
And there are too many things that can go dangerously wrong with me at the controls.
Like, when I use the ‘remote’ device to unlock the doors, the motor sometimes starts. If I don’t tap the correct shutoff button within two minutes the horn starts honking. Then the lights start flashing. Then ….
The truck alarm system is also connected directly with the 9-1-1 radio dispatcher. Last week I was standing outside the truck which was honking and flashing. I was cussing it real good, hoping I could get the doors unlocked before the 9-1-1 call was answered.
Naturally, I couldn’t. So, a police officer drove up and sicced the drug dog on me. Let me tell you, that dog needs some drugs to put it in a better mood.
There are so many mystifying switches connected to the heating and air conditioning console that I have suffered third degree burns on my broad backside from the heated seat, and my nose has come dangerously close to frostbite because the Arctic A/C vent blasts icy air directly on it.
I’ve had to make at least two trips to the hospital emergency room for backside burn treatment.
I drove myself. Holding my affected area up off the seat. Just try driving like that sometime. I dare you.
Then there’s the camera hidden in the tailgate that lets me see what I’ve just backed over.
After a few weeks at the wheel (and a couple of warning tickets from city police) it became obvious that I needed to work on my backward driving skills.
A friend helpfully suggested it would be good practice to ‘back’ all the way to Mineral Springs. Why oh why did I take her advice?
It wasn’t as easy as it sounds. By the time I got to the Midway church I had finally learned how to stay in my own lane.
At that point something unfortunate happened.
Truly unfortunate. I accidentally pushed a hidden button that started the cruise control. Suddenly I was going 75 mph.
Boy, I blew right past that patrolman parked on the side of the road.
The extra speed helped me get to Mineral Springs quick. I got there in the nick of time, too, because there were about 60-70 cars stacked behind me (actually, because I was going backward, they were in front of me, or at least I was looking at them).
I could see the drivers in the front few cars real good. Most of them were mad and honking, and one lady was pointing a finger at the sky. A guy with a confederate flag in his rear window shot a deer rifle in my direction.
I just ducked low and backed down a side street.
Maybe I shouldn’t have tried it at the same time school let out.
But that’s another story and I’m sure you wouldn’t be interested.
TWINKLE TWINKLE little star ….. I am fascinated by astronomy and wish I knew more about it.
Saw an article last week that suggested one group of perfessers had come up with a new way to estimate the number of stars in our night sky.
The perfessers estimate there are 2,000,000,000,000 galaxies (our whole Milky Way is just ONE galaxy). The perfessers further estimate that each galaxy — let me repeat, EACH galaxy — has 100,000,000 stars.
If you ever doubt that there is a higher power, go out into your backyard on a clear night. Look up and ask yourself: How could this have happened?
THE TWINS. Just had an early morning sitdown with the breakfast sisters, Eggs and Bacon.
THINGS I LEARNED FROM opening email: Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
I KNOW I mentioned this before, but out of 113 million-plus Americans, are Hillary and Donald the best candidates the political parties can come up with?
I participated in early voting and already I am seized with remorse.
HE SAID: “In real life, if I were firing you, I’d tell you what a great job you did, how fantastic you are, and how you can do better someplace else. If somebody steals, that’s different, but generally speaking, you want to let them down as lightly as possible. It’s not a very pleasant thing. I don’t like firing people.” Donald Trump, presidential candidate
SHE SAID: “Look at climate change; don’t put your head in the sand. Understand that it is going to have profound effects on our resources and so much else.” Hillary Clinton, presidential candidate
SWEET DREAMS, Baby