THE GOOD EARTH. Can the Mississippi Kites be far behind?
TRUTH IN PACKAGING. The young men who were selling baked goods at a fund-raiser for the NHS Junior Class last week, assured sincerely me with straight faces that all of the items on the groaning table in front of them were low-calorie.
I still believe them. That Snickers bar chocolate cake I bought sure did taste good for being low-calorie.
J-TURN JUSTICE. Traffic was backed up for about a block behind a guy who was waiting for oncoming traffic to clear before making an illegal J-Turn in downtown Nashville, on a recent Spring day that was lovely otherwise.
Watching this display of traffic danger and discourtesy from the safety and comfort of my buggy which was parked a hundred yards away, I was struck point blank by a moral dilemma which I could possibly have to solve somewhere down the line.
Assuming the mayor ever gets off his high horse and deputizes me; and if I am on duty, in uniform, and properly armed; and if I observe some callous vehicular criminal making an illegal J-Turn just like the aforementioned guy; should I stop him BEFORE he can make the turn, or should I WAIT and give him a ticket AFTER he has made the aforementioned illegal J-Turn?
Yes, it is quite a moral dilemma. One more slice of Snickers bar chocolate cake ought to help me decide.
I am torn between the public’s safety and the vehicular courtesy we have grown to expect here in the Traffic Vallhalahaha of southwest Arkansas. I am torn between all that baloney and the need to make someone (the offending driver) act right by slapping him silly.
J-Turns arrived here in 2003, brought in unintentionally by someone hoping to escape from Oklahoma. The driver brazenly turned across oncoming traffic into an open parking space. Actually, that J-Turn wasn’t illegal because the esteemed City of Nashville had not yet enacted an anti-J-Turn ordinance. I have it on good authority that the J-turn was never seen on Main Street before this event.
But now we have got a fine ordinance. And thank goodness, because we also got a lot of people making J-Turns.
It’s now against the law to make a J-Turn on Main Street between College and Sypert Streets 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, 366 days in Leap Year.
Nashville police cannot be expected to enforce this law, I feel sure, since their hands are tied (or handcuffed) with other weighty matters requiring their full attention.
And that is why I volunteered myself to be our town’s traffic ambassador and Official J-Turn Deputy. I did this more than a year ago, but our mayor has been distracted with what I am fairly sure are important affairs of state and he has not scheduled a special City Council session at which to officially deputize me.
Also, there is a problem with the change of seasons. It is hard enough to find camo outfits which fit my particular physique. It is doubly hard to find the aforementioned camo outfits in suitable weights for winter, spring, summer and fall. Unfortunately, since I get my uniforms at military surplus outlets, I have had to ‘mix’ camo outfits from the different branches of the Armed Forces. The Marines have one color and pattern; the Navy has its own; the Army has its own; and the Air Force has a lovely pink floral pattern. But I’ll stop right there because I don’t want to stir things up.
There is just one other obstacle standing in the way of the safety and well-being of Downtown Nashville.
And that is the unexplained bottleneck in the renewal of my concealed handgun permit. I’ve been writing threatening letters to the head of the Arkansas State Police because I think that is the bottleneck. I am almost positive that one of my regular readers has written to the Colonel expressing fear of my being armed and in a bad mood during rush hour.
But honestly, how could someone be alarmed about that and NOT be alarmed that our legislature has blessed handguns at polling places and bars and on college campuses?
If I ever do get deputized, I might get me a t-shirt that says:
In Air Force pink. Whatta ya think?
THINGS I LEARNED from reading email: If you quit smoking you can reduce your heart’s age by as much as 15 years.
HE SAID: “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” TEDDY ROOSEVELT, 26th U.S. President
SHE SAID: “A positive attitude is not going to save you. What it’s going to do is, everyday, between now and the day you die, whether that’s a short time from now or a long time from now, that every day, you’re going to actually live.” ELIZABETH EDWARDS, attorney and author
SWEET DREAMS, Baby