ARE YOU OLD enough and sophisticated enough to remember Lash LaRue?
Lash was a star of westerns back when movies were mostly in living black-and-white.
I’m going somewhere with this, so don’t quit reading yet.
Lash was waaaaay ahead of Indiana Jones. He could use his 10-ft. braided leather bullwhip to disarm a villain, kill a rattlesnake, flip a light switch, change a diaper, churn butter or other important things. No matter what the situation was, Lash would find a solution and it always involved him lashing — get it? — something or somebody with that whip.
ZIP CRAAAACK! Take THAT, Bad Guy! Oh what a sound that whip made!
I’m going somewhere with this, so don’t quit on me yet.
Using only his trusty bullwhip, Lash could fell a charging buffalo. Or he could gently pluck an eaglet from a flaming nest. He was THAT GOOD! I’m serious. I wouldn’t have believed any of that stuff except that I saw it with my own two eyes in black-and-white on the screen at the Elberta Theatre.
But I promised you I was going somewhere with this, and here we are.
I’m also unashamedly bragging to you that I am as good as Lash LaRue when I ‘lash’ my pants toward the dirty clothes basket. I developed this talent last month when I was having just a mite of trouble bending over and pulling my pants leg over my foot. It was as entertaining a sight as anything on the Elberta screen: A wheezing geezer hopping around on one foot and trying not to fall down in the laundry room. Thank goodness it’s not on a FaceBook video.
One fine day out of frustration I gave the pants a good cussing, and just kicked them in the general direction of the dirty clothes basket.
WHOA! My goodness, I was amazed that the trousers easily slipped off and flipped straight onto the pile.
As you know, by nature I am an extremely modest person but I don’t mind telling you I was quite proud of myself and my newfound talent. I called some of the neighbors to brag to them what I could do, but they weren’t interested in hearing about it. A couple of them even rudely hung up.
My very life changed. I could hardly wait to get home from work each day and kick my pants into the basket. I even started imitating the sound of Lash’s whip when I kicked. ZIP CRAACK!
First of all, my pants are real clean, although the colors are fading.
Second, I am real glad that my pants — made by the Acme Tent and Awning Company — are non-shrink. I filled them out pretty good already.
Third. After his film career sputtered, Ole Lash got himself baptized at the Shreveport Baptist Temple and became an evangelist. He worked mostly with alcoholics. I betcha Lash could pluck that bottle of Old Satan right out of Uncle Shakey’s hands.
I can just see the Rev. LaRue now, stepping up to the pulpit with a Bible in one hand and that trusty bullwhip in the other. Sin didn’t stand a chance.
One crack of the lash and he had the congregation’s full and fearful attention.
I’m beginning to think that we could use Lash in the race for president this year.
ZIP CRAAAAACK! Take THAT, Donald! Take THAT, Hillary!
THE GOOD EARTH. Kevin Wright of Nashville has been on a mission for at least five years. For the longest time he had been fascinated by Four Leaf Clovers, but the first time he saw a friend’s Five Leaf Clover he was REALLY hooked. He combed and combed and combed through the plentiful clover in his yard for five years, and lo-and-behold he finally found a Perfect Five Leaf Clover. Had it laminated, and he’ll gladly take it out of his wallet to show you. It’s not very green anymore, but it’s still very impressive.
Kevin says he’s kinda cut back on Five Leaf hunting lately because of the arrival of Kevin Jr.
Still, he sez he keeps ‘a big old bowl’ full of Four Leaf Clovers.
Kevin, I betcha Rev. Lash LaRue could pluck a Perfect Five’er out of your clover patch on the first try, and he wouldn’t ruffle a single precious leaf.
THINGS I LEARNED from reading email: A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
HE SAID: “Look at the sky. We are not alone. The whole universe is friendly to us and conspires only to give the best to those who dream and work.” ADUL KALAM, 11th president of India
SHE SAID: “Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I’m taking with me when I go.” ERMA BOMBECK, newspaper columnist
SWEET DREAMS, Baby