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Can Opener Bad, Bad: Now must mop floor for second time this year

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“DID YOU REALLY have all that trouble with your can opener?” a nice lady asked. I later determined that she wasn’t trying to get my blood pressure up, she was only curious about the unvarnished truth which appeared last week in this column. I had written about having just a mite of trouble (1) making my swell new battery-powered can opener actually open cans; because (2) it kept coming apart for easy cleaning.

The truth is that the battery-powered can opener which was supposed to be such a breeze to operate and come apart for easy cleaning ISN’T at the bottom of the Saline River.

I’m storing it in a kitchen drawer and I’m waiting for the president of the company to come to my house and personally apologize for running false advertising.

I don’t want to besmirch any product’s name here, so I won’t give away the product’s name. Let me just say that I’m relatively sure that Mr. Hamilton or Mrs. Beach will be at my backdoor soon to apologize.

I wasted about $25 on their product.

So, I went back to the same store and bought the cheapest electric canopener I could find. it cost $6.95 plus tax.

I’ve only used it once, perhaps because I am afraid to try to operate ANY electric device after my bad experience.

But, Sunday night, it was either starve or open a can of Lima beans. I opted for the latter.

Let me backtrack here to say that I must’ve been out of my mind with all of the sore throat medication I swallowed. Plus, I had realized that I had missed the Autumnal Equinox, back on Sept. 23, and was faced with a REAL dilemma: Should I go ahead and mop my kitchen floor late, or should I wait until the Vernal Equinox in March of 2016 to mop (See, I make it a practice to only mop on the Equinoxes).

Well, the floor was looking pretty crusty, since it hadn’t been mopped since the Vernal Equinox of March, 2015. So I decided to mop.

Boy, that floor was lots dirtier than I thought.

Finally I got it sparkling again. That might’ve been what made me so hungry.

I opened the can of Lima Beans. The can opener was on the counter directly over the now shiny floor.

I punched the blade of the can opener into the top of the can, and the opener did the rest. It worked perfectly. Until I tried to separate the can from the can opener. I tugged and pulled and cussed and finally it came aloose.

The top of the can and about a quart of Lima bean juice sloshed out onto the floor.

I had forgotten to read the instructions and it turns it this product ALSO advertises that it comes apart for easy cleaning.

‘Scuse my French.

I’m sulking now because I’m going to get tired of how sticky that floor will be by the time the next Vernal Equinox rolls around.

Of course there’s always the chance that the president of the company will show up at my back door and offer to mop the kitchen floor.

I don’t want to besmirch the name of the product here so I won’t mention any names. However, I really do hope Mr. Black or Mrs. Decker will show up with a mop in their hands real soon.

Last nite my shoes stuck to the floor and I had to spend the night upright, leaning against the refrigerator.

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MY FRIEND ON THE INTERNET sez:

Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk.

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AND IN MY FOXHOLE at Weight Watchers –missed weigh-in Monday on account of something something, but will definitely weigh-in next week as soon as I have worked off all those Snickers bars little children left on my doorstep Saturday night.

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WILL YOU be the winner of the pink quilt?

First you’ve got to come buy a raffle ticket. Our drawing will be at Thanksgiving.

An anonymous quilter has given us a fine pink quilt to raffle for the benefit of our cancer patient gasoline voucher project. We’re selling tickets for $1 each or six for $5. Total proceeds go into the gasoline voucher project here which helps cancer patients and their caregivers with transportation expenses to doctor appointments, chemo, x-ray, blood transfusions, lab, etc.

Cancer patients may get a $20 gasoline voucher to be spent just like money for gasoline only at Road Mart in Nashville.

In the project’s eight years we have put more than $38,000 worth of gasoline in the tanks of cancer patients or their caregivers who are transporting them.

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HE SAID: “Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong is its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place, and this too will be swept away.” Marcus Aurelius, Emperor of Rome

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SHE SAID: “Your problem is how you are going to spend this one odd and precious life you have been issued. Whether you’re going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over people and circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are.” Anne Lamott, American activist and author

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SWEET DREAMS, Baby